Please.  Do sit me down and show me all those features your phone has had for years that us yokel, ovine iPhone users have had for years.

I mean...once you have a charged battery and after you've downloaded or jailbroken everything you need to have a functional smartphone.  I'll be over here, waiting for you with my phone that worked the moment I took it out of the box.

Never, ever again.  Android phones are garbage.